dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
