Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
