no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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