I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
