I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
