I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
We need a shit load of segways right now
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
