For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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