Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
