I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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