So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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