there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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