we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
