He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
