I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Randomize
