i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
