This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
