his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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