My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
