Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
