You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
