She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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