I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
