Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
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