Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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