I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize