Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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