You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
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