I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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