You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
