Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
