I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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