Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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