ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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