My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I just found puke in my bra..
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
