You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
