i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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