You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
