Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
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