I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
