I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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