She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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