remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
