Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
