Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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