I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Randomize
