Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
