And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
We left the knife in your bed.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
