In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Michael Bay diarrhea
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
