I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Randomize
