I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
