Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
