My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
