: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
