Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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