this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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