Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
