I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
