I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The best revenge is premature balding
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
