I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
