I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
