Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
