There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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