If that was your dad, he is hot
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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