Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Randomize
